Twenty four

Hello there old friend.

I've always like the number 24. Most likely it's a bias since it's my birthdate.
It was an amazing day. Not fully amazing but I'm glad how it was spent, at least there was positive emotion right?
But today felt terrible. Maybe it's an after effect of turning 24. Maybe this is how some 24s feel like. I don't know. But nothing put me in a lighter mood and I hate how I barely work on anything that really needs to be done.

Relationship.
I had trouble building them in recent years. Most of the time, I'm too scared to build any, actually all the time. All the time I fear to build relationship. I fear building means breaking, Building means giving it a chance for a built up to crush down close to nothing but a memory you can only remember and never get to reach out to anymore. My insecurities, my fears, they are killing me slowly while I try my best but actually not the best to survive in this new continent I'm currently living for my pursue towards a better self. But have I been doing it right? Have I carpe diem, YOLO my way through?  I don't think so.
Last few weeks, I found interest in someone. It was nice to get excited over someone again. It's nice to laugh together with someone. It's nice to guess what the other person is thinking with a bias that favours only you. It was just really nice to have a sense of happiness and possibility of having someone by your side. It was nice to wake up knowing he's there and go to sleep missing him. It was nice to get turn on by someone.

Inter-cultural differences.
How am I going to find a partner when there's so many cultural differences between people from different countries and worst, different continents- traditional vs open minded. How do people from inter-cultural marriages able to negotiate and get pass the differences? How did they came about and learn to enjoy the differences? I really dont know how do people get pass that and I'm desperate for this opportunity. It sound amazing. Learning different cultural differences is what I've been enjoying and getting a partner who can exchange cultural opinions with you, it's just something I find so sexy recently. But this feel like a big responsibility in accepting, and i'm not sure how did people build up to learn to love so much. So much that differences is love. I'm jealous.

Long story short, I guess we're not exactly each other's type and my maybe my hormones have been playing a big role. Which isn't exactly the right thing.

I guess I just feel really bumped about the near zero possibility for an excitement and am really tired to go looking, to give hope.

Well, back to my research writing, but motivation is running low.