Twenty four

Hello there old friend.

I've always like the number 24. Most likely it's a bias since it's my birthdate.
It was an amazing day. Not fully amazing but I'm glad how it was spent, at least there was positive emotion right?
But today felt terrible. Maybe it's an after effect of turning 24. Maybe this is how some 24s feel like. I don't know. But nothing put me in a lighter mood and I hate how I barely work on anything that really needs to be done.

Relationship.
I had trouble building them in recent years. Most of the time, I'm too scared to build any, actually all the time. All the time I fear to build relationship. I fear building means breaking, Building means giving it a chance for a built up to crush down close to nothing but a memory you can only remember and never get to reach out to anymore. My insecurities, my fears, they are killing me slowly while I try my best but actually not the best to survive in this new continent I'm currently living for my pursue towards a better self. But have I been doing it right? Have I carpe diem, YOLO my way through?  I don't think so.
Last few weeks, I found interest in someone. It was nice to get excited over someone again. It's nice to laugh together with someone. It's nice to guess what the other person is thinking with a bias that favours only you. It was just really nice to have a sense of happiness and possibility of having someone by your side. It was nice to wake up knowing he's there and go to sleep missing him. It was nice to get turn on by someone.

Inter-cultural differences.
How am I going to find a partner when there's so many cultural differences between people from different countries and worst, different continents- traditional vs open minded. How do people from inter-cultural marriages able to negotiate and get pass the differences? How did they came about and learn to enjoy the differences? I really dont know how do people get pass that and I'm desperate for this opportunity. It sound amazing. Learning different cultural differences is what I've been enjoying and getting a partner who can exchange cultural opinions with you, it's just something I find so sexy recently. But this feel like a big responsibility in accepting, and i'm not sure how did people build up to learn to love so much. So much that differences is love. I'm jealous.

Long story short, I guess we're not exactly each other's type and my maybe my hormones have been playing a big role. Which isn't exactly the right thing.

I guess I just feel really bumped about the near zero possibility for an excitement and am really tired to go looking, to give hope.

Well, back to my research writing, but motivation is running low.

IDGAF

At times, I wish I'll be able to put myself in situation where I get to say those words and mean it.
But the thing is, all these while, I really did and still do give a bloody fuck.
It's a curse alright

One feeling

Pain.
They all hurt all too much.
Far too long,
far too alone.
Unacceptable, Incomprehensible. 

New familiarity

And then as I read my older posts, I find myself feeling the same brokenness again.
I don't exactly rmb how I felt,
but I surely rmb how awful it felt,
how horrible the days to past,

It surprises me how it felt almost the same,
But this time, it can be nothing but worst.
The damage in the once damaged heart.

The thing abt me and him vs me and you,
I've put you in my future more than I did to anyone.
The thing abt me and you,
Losing you means,
Losing myself.

Two

What are the odds for you to stumble upon here?
What are the odds for you to know how I feel?

I fall and fall again, wondering did I even get back up.
How could one fall without standing?
I do not know.

Down and down my spirit went.
Demons sure know where you went.
Find me find me, I shout.
No, not with your voices to my head.

Fantasy and reality,
Whoa! They were never far.
But right now, right now baby, they are two different realms.

Let me out, let me out of this mess I shout.
But my head couldn't hear the voices from my lips.

Head to heart have such great distance,
But with you, they're never distant.

So tell me baby, was loving you wrong?

Hate

And I wake up hating dreams, hating life. And I thought to myself, this just isn't my day.
Those were the words of everyday. And maybe,
this isn't my life, and I hate it inside out.

I want my depression to slowly consume me, but I'm not sure why.
Demotivation have been there all the way.
Disappointments to misjudgements.

Explosive confetti type of love to explosive dynamite that destroys everything.

Oh my heart, where art thou?

Baby pot is what I wish to hear again.

Conscious mind tells me that all I wish now is nothing but fantasyland.
What holds true I do not know
But this aching heart I once call it mine?
Is nothing but an empty land.




-maine

Do you have medicine? (The moving on part)

it really hurts me so much that one can move on after loving so much.
It hurt so much.
it's so amazing, i dont want to leave.
There's just too many reasons to stay instead of leaving.
It really make me sad that we have to turn away from this. I hate it.
I hate it that this is what, supposing, grown up do- healing.
No, grown ups are supposed to love. to be committed, baby.
I want to be your lady so much, you're the only one that call me lady..
You're the only one that sees who i am as who i am, mask-less.
You're the only only one i ever open up to, ever since i'm 14 where i lost hope in humanity.
You're the only one that i put so much effort in..
And because you're the only one in all these, i now have no one.
It really is crazy that i placed so much hope in you, in us, and actually, you taught me to.
It really is not too much, love dont have the definition of too much, it's just called commitment.
And because of the decision i made, to love you whole heartedly and place hope to our future, healing is a really really, hard process.

And maybe, i do wish you'll sing this and it applies to you. but thats being in fantasyland.

Let her go- Passenger. 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast (IT GOES SO FAST) 

With a non existent heart,
g

p/s: i hope you'll be happy. i miss calling you my love .